My #1 Problem

I expect this is true of most people, but the biggest obstacle between me and a healthier lifestyle is... myself. I am an inherently lazy person. When I am not feeling well, I don't push myself. I will lay in bed for three days, crawling out of it only to fulfill my needs. I think that generally my physical well-being and emotional well-being are very tightly connected. If one is lacking, the other quickly falls to its level.

I have workarounds for the laziness. I can force myself to do things, to move. But that all goes right out the window when I am sick or stressed out or exhausted. I started to feel sick on Monday afternoon at work, and have been basically lying around since then feeling sorry for myself, and honestly I cannot tell you whether I am actually sick or just feeling pathetic. My father has this same problem, and it drives me absolutely crazy so it's difficult for me to state it so plainly, but there it is. Sometimes I don't know whether I'm actually ill or if it's all in my head.

I was in bed for 20 hours (asleep for about 16 of them) on Monday night into Tuesday, and when I got up it was mainly to throw myself into the shower and boil some pasta. The highlight (if you could call it that) of my day was a short battle with a centipede over who owned my shower. I won, for the record. Oh the joys of living in a basement...

Pretty much the only thing positive I can say is that I took all my supplements. Otherwise, I have been a bump on a log. It was a little better when I lived with my parents because my mom would eventually get on my case about it, but now that I'm effectively living on my own, there's nobody to accuse me of faking illness to get out of doing something (which hasn't been the case in about ten years, but what more can you expect from a mother?). On the other hand, it is good that I no longer feel criticized every time I feel sick - which is a lot of the time.

This is one the major things I want to change about myself, one of the things that I think has to change if I want to be healthier. I think I will always be lazy, but I want to get better at fighting against that. But I have no idea how to do that. I don't know how to tell myself, "I know you feel like you're going to throw up, but why don't we go for a walk?" Because the answer is always, "Only if it's in the direction of the toilet." I am lucky if I can drag my sorry butt across the house, let alone out of it.

I am really hoping that the supplements will give me more energy. It might not help me when I'm feeling down, but if I can get into the habit of doing more when I feel well, I will either feel really guilty about being lazy the rest of the time or I will figure I've earned it. Either way, I'd feel better about it than I do now. Or if they help me feel sick less often, that would be great too.

So far it's only been a couple of days so I don't expect anything to be different. The first day or two I was really bothered by the taste of the pills, and the way I could taste them when I burped. Since then I've starting taking them before I eat, which has helped with the aftertaste, and have been taking them with juice instead of water, which has helped to mask the flavor.

I forgot about my heart rhythm meditation class tonight and missed it, and will probably be out sick from work tomorrow, too. I hope I can rally enough to make it to yoga on Thursday because I really need to be doing that, but I just don't know.

I mixed frankincense, balance blend, and lavender oil in my lamp diffuser to help me relax and that has done the trick, but it is significantly easier to settle myself than it is to motivate - and settling isn't easy.

So, this post has no real conclusion. I work through problems verbally, and this has been an attempt to figure out my laziness. I would welcome any suggestions.

Bad News and Good News

Last time I was here, I was doing well. I had recovered from post-concussive syndrome and fibromyalgia. I had been off all my medications for a year. Things were hard but I was doing my best, and I was feeling okay.

And so, I fell back into old habits. I grew complacent, and I got lazy. I stopped taking care of myself.

I didn't really notice the first signs that something was wrong. The weight gain seemed like an over-correction after my gallbladder surgery restored my ability to eat. The tiredness and headaches seemed to be from the stress of grad school.

Then, it got creepy. Now, this is absolutely positively TMI. It's a little gross. I haven't told many people about this but here I am, opening up and trying to be honest about this. The first time I thought, "There is something wrong with me," was the night I discovered I was lactating. It's just a tiny bit and I don't "leak," but it's enough to make me feel awkward. I have gone up two cup sizes.

That realization was a year ago now. It took a long time to figure out what was happening. I suffered through repeated blood tests, an MRI of my pituitary, a bilateral breast ultrasound - my doctor threw everything at it that she could think of. Aside from elevated prolactin in my blood - that's the hormone that causes, you guessed it, lactation - everything came back normal. Finally she sent me to an endocrinologist. She pulled strings to get me an appointment in two weeks instead of four months.

I went to the appointment. The doctor reviewed my files. He told me that there's only one explanation that hasn't been ruled out: I have a tumor on my pituitary gland, called a pituitary adenoma. Since mine affects prolactin, it's called a prolactinoma. It didn't show up on MRI, which means it's very, very small. Less than three millimeters. But it's still a tumor. In my brain.

I freaked out.

My doctor and I decided not to put me on meds - my symptoms are commonplace to me now, and I don't react well to most medications so unless my prolactin levels rise, I experience infertility, or my symptoms worsen I don't need to put unnecessary chemicals into my body. A prolactinoma is a benign tumor that can usually be managed, but in severe cases may need to be surgically removed.

It took me a long time to get used to the idea that I have a brain tumor. I spent a lot of time on Google. I eventually found this blog: http://ihaveprolactinoma.blogspot.com and that's where I first heard about using natural healthcare, including essential oils, to deal with prolactinomas.

The blog's author founded a support group on Facebook, and I joined it and was thrilled to find myself surrounded by people going through the same thing as me. I learned that I am relatively lucky - my prolactin is slightly elevated (48 on the last test), but some women have levels more than ten times greater than mine. I heard their stories, and I knew that if they could get through this, then I can, too.

I ordered some essential oils, fell instantly in love, and have since become addicted to doTERRA essential oils. I wear a terracotta pendant every day, to constantly diffuse whatever oil I most need on any given day. I set up my bedside lamp as an oil diffuser. I have gotten half my coworkers interested in the oils, too.

They have helped me feel better. I switched from full-time to part-time at work. I started going to a heart rhythm meditation class with my coworkers. I found a new yoga studio (and got my butt kicked at the first class!). I am working towards being in control of my life and my body (within reason, of course), so I am learning to deal with stress, trying to lose weight, and hoping to get strong and fit.

And now I've taken one more step. I am starting a vitamin regimen created by doTERRA. By the way, I apparently have a page on doTERRA here. Anyway, on the advice of my IPC I ordered:

• Women's Phytoestrogen Complex (hormone regulation)
• Alpha CRS+ (cellular vitality)
• xEO Mega (omega fatty acids)
• Microplex VMz (essential vitamins and minerals)
• DDR Prime (cellular renewal)
• Slim & Sassy oil blend (metabolism booster)

I am really excited because I know these have helped a lot of people and I fully trust doTERRA's quality standards. I have already been amazed by how well the oils work, and I am looking forward to increased energy and a general sense of well being, both of which are sorely lacking in my life right now.

I am optimistic about my life right now, and I feel that I am moving in the right direction. I am a little apprehensive about going from zero pills a day to sixteen but I think I can handle it. The support group has been a miracle for me, keeping me going and providing new ideas all the time. I don't know where I would be without them, or my oils. I hope that in thirty days I can say the same for my vitamins.